Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.
P. J. O’Rourke
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?
Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.
You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.